Letter from the boss.

Area: Dept of family and home making.
Job: Harriet's Mum

Dear Employee,
You have been in the job for six months now and you are due for review.
We have outlined below five different areas and marked you out of ten in each. You will note that your score falls well below average and you have therefore been placed under an extended probation period of a further six months.

Personal appearance. 2/10
We scored you low on this, as there appears to be no consistency to the way in which you present yourself. You veer from slopping around in pyjamas all day to wearing designer dresses with epaulettes. It is very confusing for those around you.
We are not suggesting a strict uniform code here, but what happened to that lovely beige outfit you used to wear?
NB. Regarding hair, the ruffled "just out of bed" look only really works on students. On you it looks like you're just out of bed. And ruffled.

Catering. 1/10
As you are aware, part of your job is ensuring that those in your department are fed. It has come to our attention that you have only cooked two meals in as many weeks and that you count fish and chips to be nutritional fare.
We do not condone sub-contracting in this manner and would advise you to unpack your saucepans and use the bloody things. People move house and have babies every day (not the same people, obviously, that would be crazy) and they manage to keep the kitchen running.
What's wrong with you woman?

Establishing a routine. 0/10
Do you even know what a routine is?
In your defence, as soon as some semblance of a routine has emerged in your day a member of your division has disrupted it.As head of department, however, you are expected to keep your team in order. Might we suggest you acquire some backbone and take charge of your charges?

Growth and development. 10/10
While we recognise that you are strong in this area we feel it is important that you realise that kisses and cuddles alone will not nourish your dependants.
In nature there are creatures so tenacious that they can survive, thrive even, in the most hostile environments. Flowers grow in deserts that have not seen rain for decades.
Likewise, you have managed to produce a baby who continues to grow beautifully even though your dietary input is embarrassingly inadequate. A doughnut is not a square meal. It's a round one with jam in the middle, and not enough to sustain two lives.
I know you claim that you have no time to pee, let alone eat, but others manage just fine.
Your baby's glowing appearance is testament to her will to survive and ability to draw nourishment from affection alone.
You're flying by the seat of your pants, lady!

Retention of marbles. 7/10
It is imperative that you know where your marbles are at all times. You seem to be spilling yours all over the place at the moment and this simply will not do. Stray marbles are a hazard and will not be tolerated. Not only that but your behaviour since losing a few has become decidedly erratic.
Stop mooching. Stop grumbling to yourself. Stop losing marbles.
And stop flying by the seat of your pants.
It's weird.

Conclusion.
20/50 is crap.